I want everybody to raise your right or left hand. Now, repeat after
me... No fuckin' way...
Crowd: No fuckin' way...
Am I gonna die...
Crowd: Am I gonna die...
In Exxon's war.
Crowd: In Exxon's war. (cheering)
Thank you, I'm holding you all to that. Since you all took that pledge,
I'll tell you a story. This is the story of the best Thanksgiving EVER!
Crowd: (cheering)
Once upon a time, in the land of Thorndale Pennsylvania, which is about 30
miles from here, there lived a little boy named Timmy. And Timmy was very
sad. Aww!
Crowd: Aww!
Why was Timmy sad you might ask?
Crowd: Why?
I had a feeling you might ask that. Timmy was said because every
Thanksgiving the adults would get to eat at the big adult table, and Timmy
had to eat at a crappy little card table with his asshole cousins George
and Georgette. Boo!
Crowd: Boo!
George and Georgette would drool constantly, oh that's beautiful, would
drool constantly and they would wear their New Kids On The Block t-shirts.
Crowd: Boo!
Timmy went in to wash his hands, for he was very cleanly like all of us.
Show me your hands. Keith don't show me your hands, keep them on the
boards, there we go. Good, these are very clean hands, very nice. You need
to scrape behind down this one finger, but other than that, very clean,
very clean, all of you, very good.
Timmy washed his hands for half an hour. His asshole family couldn't wait,
so they started to eat Thanksgiving dinner without him! Boo!
Crowd: Boo!
(to keyboard player presumably) What are you doing?
When Timmy came out from washing his hands, he found every member of his
family rolling on the floor in great pain and agony. Mom and Dad were on
the floor in agony, Grandpa, Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, even George and
Georgette, they were all vomiting and cleaning out their noses and their
ears and they were saying, "Oh, help us, Timmy, help us. Dial 911." But
Timmy knew two things. First, he knew that 911 was a joke, for Timmy had
been a member of Public Enemy!
Crowd: (cheering)
No, you're too white to interpret Public Enemy.
He also knew that they were all suffering from salmonella poisoning,
because the family turkey had been kept in the trunk of the family car
for two weeks. Let us hear it for the salmonella bacteria.
Crowd: (cheering)
Invisible - Invisible to the human eye, yet it is the hero of our story.
Timmy watched them all die one by one. First, Mom and Dad died, then
Grandpa, Grandma, Aunts and Uncles died, and finally his dweeb cousins
George and Georgette died. Yay!
Crowd: Yay!
Timmy went to the adult table. He sat down at the head of the adult table.
And although he could not eat any turkey because it was tainted with food
poisoning, he was able to have candied yams, he was able to have corn on
the cob, he was able to have butter beans (fix some for me now?), he was
able to have all that stuff. And for Timmy this was truly the best
Thanksgiving ever!
What can we learn from Timmy? Absolutely nothing, I can't - I can't
think of a damn thing. But it was a good story wasn't it? And it had a
car in it. The family car, if you remember, where the turkey was kept for
two weeks, was a bitchin' Camaro!
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