"Welcome to King's Landing, a city of kings and whores where anything can happen."
"Yes, quite right."
"Do be careful, 'cause shit's about to get real."
Ho… Well, I'm the fuckin' King!
Robert Baratheon, wrathful and nasty,
when I drop the fuckin' hammer, invade like a pathogen.
Now gimme three whores, so I can smack that ass again,
and build a bigger orphanage to put all my bastards in!
My wife's a brother-fucker and a straight-up bitch
who gave me three blonde shits,
but her daddy is rich.
WINE!!!
All this arse-lickin''s makin' me sick.
I thank the gods that a boar put a tusk through my pancreas.
I gestated my bro's DNA…
"Not mine!"
…thought my inbred kids were okay…
"Seriously?"
…but I'm afraid that…
Joffrey is a half-wit, demented, sadistic piece of shit.
You better say that I'm the king, or I'll chop off your head!
I'll put your genitals in the genital jar I keep in a drawer beside my bed...
"Your grace..."
Yes? Give her a gift, hit her in the face.
"Why?!"
Women are so weak and weary,
bring her back when she has her period!
Burn the traitors, crush the North,
kill the babies, fuck the poor!
I'm so bored with cutting out tongues,
but I'm gettin' it done, mutilating whores!
"Is this yours?"
"Yes, it is."
Talk about killing, I love that shit!
Stabbing, hacking, blood and guts…
"Hold on - I'm about to jizz!"
"Sadly, I cannot."
"No jizz, quite right."
"A sorcerer cut off your junk, we know. At least it wasn't your head."
"Poor Ned Stark. What will the North do?"
"My jizz is like baking soda."
"The Stark bannermen?"
Oh... yeah! Oh hell yeah!
"Why are they so fucking happy?"
Wut wut? Hey! North side!
All hail King in the North, Robb Stark!
Yeah, yeah!
We fight for independence, it's a glorious day,
'cause I married for love, and it's cool with the Freys!
Yeah, we're heading to a wedding, gonna party today!
And I'm gonna be a dad? God, everything's great!
"Winter is coming."
So we'll hang out inside!
"But Winterfell burned down, Robb…"
Look on the bright side.
Lemme hear my Starks: are we doin' alright?
"Father's dead, we're homeless, and I'm crippled for life."
"I'm hungry."
"I'm alone in the middle of a war."
Yeah!
"I love the gay boy, but I married the dwarf."
See? that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, we're havin' a ball!
"I'm gonna breastfeed Robin 'til my breasts fall off!"
We are the North!
Brienne, how's it going with the Kingslayer?
"Rapists have me and I'm fighting a bear!"
We are the North!
Cool! How's it hangin', Theon?
"Really bad!"
"I met a lady who had demons in her vag!"
We are the North!
We are the North Side, ay!
Doin' it our own way!
"Hey, it's my boy, Jon Snow! What up Jon?"
"Um, hello. We've got a bit of a problem at the Wall.
It's… it's a bit nippy… and…"
THERE'S FUCKIN' WHITE WALKERS!
Shit’s crazy, I'm freezin' to death
with thieves and rapers,
had to swear off sex.
If I could take it back,
I'd take the black,
shove it up Craster's ass,
but it's too late for that,
with zombies surgin' south...
"I'm out."
I'm gonna die a virgin now,
but wo - day, there was, a wild woman took me into a cave, got undressed...
"You saw breasts?"
Yeah, and we had…. CAVE SEX!!!!
"Cave sex?"
Yeah, CAVE SEX!!!!
"You knew where to put it!"
Oh, CAVE SEX!!!!
"I forgot to send the ravens…"
I'm havin' CAVE SEX!!!!
"Cave sex!"
"Seven hells…"
"Who is that?"
"It's the Targaryen girl!"
"Sound the alarms!"
"She's come to take back the Seven Kingdoms."
"Well, it's more like six kingdoms now… "
"Hide me with the children!"
"…you know since we seceded."
"I'm pooping!"
"She should take the other six. Why not?"
"Shut up Joffrey, you weird little shit!"
"MOTHER!!!!"
I got dragons, bitch.
I started out with nothin' but a shitty older brother in a Pentos penthouse,
I got pimped out
to a Dothraki warlord with a horde full of slave-takin' thugs, fuckin' like dogs in public.
Queen of the savages, got three dragon eggs,
ate a horse heart, took it down, didn't throw up!
Got knocked up, but I mistakenly traded in the fate of the baby, and put my hubby in a coma.
Smothered his ass, and built a funeral pyre,
took the blood magic witch, burned the bitch alive,
climbed inside and fried eggs awhile -
from the ash came my naked ass and three reptiles. Touchin' my kids? Betta ask me!
I'm the "Motha of Dragons," Pyat Pree!
Yeah, that freak.
You betta come at me with more than a manticore
if you wanna blast me.
"Khaleesi…"
You got a dirty mouth.
Yeah, you best sit down before I go to town
with some Valyrian.
You 'bout to fear me when I turn
and burn this mothafucka to the ground.
I'm Stormborn, comin' out the flames.
Kill the masters, free the slaves!
From Qarth to Braavos and Slaver's Bay,
every bitch crackin' whips gonna know my name:
"Khaleesi…"
Send a raven to Westeros,
'cause I'm puttin' three dragons in a big-ass boat.
You betta tell the usurpers that I'm comin' home
to take back the realm and the Iron Throne...
...like a hound takes a bitch!
Happy birthday!
