Guido Not since Charlie Chaplin
Has there ever been a film director like this,
Guido Contini.
Everything he does gets world attention
Whether it’s a hit or a miss,
Guido Contini.
he writes the script...
I can’t make this movie, there’s no way that I’ll
complete it.
I can’t bear to see the cameras roll.
Problem is the subject, there’s no pleasant way to
treat it.
Problem is the author’s lost control.
How I wish it didn’t have to be so,
But we cut the losses starting now.
Strike the set and keep it for some side show.
Tell the cast and crew that they can all go.
Find another genius,
I can’t be one or become one.
I can’t even tell how I’d begin.
Help Luisa, help me, help me mama, help me someone.
here’s a place where I have never been.
Guido out in space with no direction,
Guido at a loss for what to say,
Guido with no intervening actors,
Guido at the mercy of detractors,
Guido here with no one else but Guido
This day!
He slumps in despair. Enter La Fleur, Necrophorus, and
Lina/Leo. They cross behind the desolate Guido, who
fantasizes:
Necrophorus All in all, I think what’s happened is for the
best. Certainly, if he hadn’t shot himself, the critics
would have shot him down. No, this film was a disaster-
superficial, salacious, self-serving, self-indulgent
... I’m amazed he had the perception to see all that.
Good thing you insured his life! (Exeunt, Lina/Leo
leaving a pistol near Guido before going.)
Guido Is this part of my film, or isn’t it?
Enter Guido’s Mother
Guido’s Mother Guido!
Guido Mama! ... Oh Mama, am I glad to see you! You’ve no
idea how much you’ve been on my mind!
Guido’s Mother And you on mine. Guido, listen, darling,
bad news: you’re going to die. (Guido keels over.)
Guido, get up. I didn’t say you were going to die right
away.
Guido (sitting up) You didn’t?
Guido’s Mother No... Of course, that doesn’t mean I know
when your death’s been planned.
Guido It’s been planned?
Guido’s Mother Oh, everything’s planned up here. Planned
very carefully.
Guido Listen, does this plan, by any chance, have
something to do with how one’s films are doing?
Guido’s Mother No, I don’t think so... Though frankly,
from what I’ve seen of this film you’ve been working
on, death might be the best way out.
Guido Mama! How can you say a thing like that?
Guido’s Mother I hope you don’t have any of your own money
in it.
Guido Mama, are you joking?
Guido’s Mother No, the film is terrible, and you’re going
to die. I don’t believe the two are related.
Guido If the film was good, would I live?
Guido’s Mother Really, I don’t think it has anything to do
with that. Your death is your death. I saw it in the
books... in the “Inevitable Column.”
Guido I’m told they occasionally revise that.
Guido’s Mother Oh no, I don’t think so.
Guido (furious) Why didn’t you warn me about this when I
was young?
Guido’s Mother I didn’t want to spoil your childhood.
Guido Now you’re spoiling my old age!
Guido’s Mother You’re not old yet. Pray God you get there.
Anyway, that’s the news from up above. Shape up! (She
exits.)
Guido Mama, wait! Wait! What’s it like up there? Mama,
what’s it like? ... I wish she hadn’t come. (He
ponders.) It’s certainly not a bad idea for a film: the
last days of a director’s once brilliant career. Takes
place in a spa... And at the end... (He sees the
pistol; picks up the pistol, puts it to his temple, and
then collapses onto his back. Enter Little Guido)
